Saturday, March 31, 2007

Run Forest Run...Stop!

Last week my son Austin had his very first little league game. Austin is 11 years old. Eleven is a little old these days to start little league. When I was a kid that was about the age, I started at 10. Kids start with tee ball at 5 or 6 now. I think the game is too hard to start that young.

This is also Austin’s first attempt at any team sport. I think the experience will be good for him. Unfortunately I’m not too excited about the league I signed him up for. The league is very unorganized and I’m not thrilled about the fields that Austin will be playing on.

The team he is on only started with 11 players on the roster. That number is now down to 9. That is not enough players. If one kid gets sick or has to leave town his team will forfeit the game. This is why I just about had a stroke on the way to Austin’s first game. The directions to the field I got from the league were so bad, I showed up ten minutes late. Let me tell you, this field was in BFE. It is a good thing it got dark and the field lights came on or I wouldn’t have found the place. Austin was the last player to show up. They had to start the game one player short. If we were 5 minutes later they would have forfeited. The coach had to be both pissed and relieved when we finally showed up.

On the way to the game I had a little talk with him about what to do in certain game situations. If he was lucky enough to get on base he would have no idea what to do, that is how new he is to this game. I tried to make it real simple for him. I told him just to listen to his base coaches, they would tell him what to do. I ended up being the first base coach that night. His coach had third base. We would have our hands full.

It was the top of the last inning. The game was tied 4 to 4 and Austin was leading off. Austin managed to get a walk. He didn’t realize it when it happened. The umpire had to explain 4 balls is a walk to him and that he was to go to first base. Nice. When Austin got to first I explained to him the situation, “OK, Austin you need to play it safe here. It’s a tie game. Don’t run unless it’s a wild pitch or the ball is hit.” Next pitch Austin runs half way to first and stops, realizing he wasn’t supposed to do that and runs back to first base. If the first baseman hadn’t dropped the throw from the catcher, Austin would have been out. I call time out and have a little heart to heart with my wanna be Rickey Henderson, “Did you hear a freaking word I said to you Austin? Play it safe!” Of course this all said in that quiet but firm voice that us parents use when we want to kill our kids but don’t want anyone else to hear us. I doubt there was a single parent or coach that didn’t know exactly what I was saying to my kid even though they couldn’t hear me.

“OK, Dad!” Austin said with an excited look in his eye that told me what I said just went in one ear and out the other.

Sure enough, the very next pitch, Austin is headed to second base. He should have been out, but his time the ball gets by the second baseman. Austin turns and looks at the ball. We are all yelling, “No Austin! Stop! Hold Up!” Austin is now on his way to third. This time he should be out by 15 feet, but no, the ball now gets by the third baseman. Austin turns and looks at the ball. “STOP AUSTIN, STOP!” Yea right, off he went. This time he was toast. Out by 20 feet.

They went on to lose 5 to 4.

I was genuinely pissed, but I couldn’t show it. The boys were just stoked that it was such a close game, or that they just got to play one. Although Austin screwed up, it didn’t seem to bother him, and he had a great time, which is what I want him to do, have a great time. But I am really torn about how I feel about this. There is an important lesson to be learned here and its not going taught. When I was playing ball, if I pulled a stunt like that my ass would be benched. This team has 9 guys. You can’t bench anyone. I think playing team sports is more than just “playing a game.” Austin disregarded what his coaches and teammates told him to do. He should be held accountable for that. Spending some time on the bench would be the only appropriate way to handle that. Its not like I can ground him at home for his screw up in a baseball game.

Friday, March 30, 2007

No Time To Poop

This past week I have been beyond busy.

1. I had 4 different fantasy baseball drafts. One was at my house. That means cleaning up the house so that my guests believe I only have 3 kids instead of the 12 that seem to leave their shit all over the place. I’m not complaining though; draft time is just about as good as Christmas to me.

2. Had a death in the family. My wife’s grandmother passed away. She was 96. She was the first one in Sherri’s family who really like me. Smart lady. Sherri is in Missouri for the funeral. I’m home with the kids juggling work, kid’s school, little league, and going door to door handing out Watchtowers. (One of those is not true)

And lastly,

3. Getting the golf course ready for it’s club championship. The days aren’t any longer, but I will work the entire week without a day off.

I’ll have a little more time to post this weekend. I’m sure the internet world will be holding it’s breath!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Lick Them While You Can

Yes, I wake up to that view sometimes, but not for long.

Last week we noticed Splinter had blood in his pee. He had the same problem about 5 months ago. His prostate has been getting infected for whatever reason. The vet mentioned getting Splinter neutered last time we visited. This time she told us to get him neutered.

I don’t know why, but I was genuinely bummed out for the little guy. The vet could see it in my face. How stupid is that! She actually said, ”It’s OK daddy, he’ll be alright”.

By the way, that is not a staged picture. We have a ceiling fan over the bed and he likes the breeze on his family jewels! He’s a smart dog.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

America Fuck Yeah...

… coming again to save the mother-fucking day!

If you haven’t seen Team America, you have no idea where the hell that came from. If you want to hear the theme song to that movie go here, it’s pretty funny.

A few months ago we hired a guy to fill the spot I vacated with my promotion. He is from Canada. Nelson is one of the nicest guys I know, so I must kick his ass as much as possible on the golf course. It has become quite the America versus Canada rivalry. Right now the score is America 5, Canada 3.

Last Friday I teamed up with Stephanie the fitness manager at my country club for a little match play action against Nelson and his buddy Brett from Calgary. Once again Team America was victorious. We do this all in fun, but it sometimes gets a little serious on the course. Stephanie has played golf with Nelson and me before, but hasn’t been part of the whole “America vs. Canada” thing. She was definitely into it.

Nelson and I have started playing tennis now. I think he thought because I’m a little heavier and older than him that he was going to school me on the courts. I believe the quote was, “I’m going to make you cry like a little girl”. America 2, Canada 0.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'm Wearing The Skirt That Goes With Them

My friend Kelly shut down her blog a couple of weeks ago. This has really bummed me out. She is a great writer and is almost as funny as me! She has a very loyal group of readers that will miss her very much.

Kelly was very open with her readers about what was going on in her life. She was probably too open, but I think that is part of why I read her blog so much. Too many people knew who she was and that affected her life personally and professionally.

I often wonder if I share too much. There are lots of things I wish I could write about, but don’t, just because there are people out there who know who I am and do check out my blog every once and a while. Maybe that’s a good way of keeping me from sharing too much. My rule about posts is basically this; don’t write anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to read.

Anyways, Kelly liked to post pictures of her shoes. So I dedicate this post to Mocha Mama! I would only wear these for her.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Baseball and Boob Licking

The Mandalay Bay has a lot of great restaurants. The one that we ate at Saturday night was called The China Grill. It was one of those places where they bring you plates of food and then you dish it out amongst yourselves. There was 10 of us, so they were hopping to keep up with the amount of food we needed. We spent about $700 on food and drinks, but it was worth it.

That night Christina Aguilera’s opening night happened to be that night. It was great watching all the people head out to the concert while we ate dinner. The wives couldn’t blame the guys for looking. The views were incredible.

I was really entertained by the people who stopped by a restaurant called Shanghai Lilly. Shanghai Lilly has statues of torsos imbedded in the walls outside the restaurant. Tons of people would stop and play with the boobs. These boobs were conveniently located within reach of all who wanted to fondle, kiss, or lick the nipples. I don’t think people thought about how many other people have touched and licked those boobs before they did. Another thing I noticed was who was doing the most groping. I can honestly say that 80% of the people I saw slurping on the boobs were women! What’s up with that!

I also took a picture of the menu. It had pictures of body parts by each section. It was pretty weird. Check out the “Poultry”. What’s that supposed to mean? You get a side of vagina with your order of chicken?

Sunday, March 4, 2007

No Pubes Here

This weekend was the annual Micro League winter meeting. The Micro League is a fantasy baseball league that I belong to. Every year we get together in the winter and hash out details about the upcoming season. We have been doing this for over 16 years. We usually do this in Las Vegas.

I have done Las Vegas both “cheap” and “expensive”. This year was “expensive”. Over the years I have learned that you usually get what you pay for. The year that my wife found pubes in the bathroom of our hotel room was the last year that we went “cheap”. This year we stayed at The Mandalay Bay.

Sherri and I have stayed there before. This time we wanted to try an upgraded room, so we asked at check-in for an upgrade. They said, “no problem” and upgraded us, no charge. Sweet.

From what I could tell, the upgrades were these:
1. A flat screen T.V. in the bedroom and bathroom.
2. Down pillows and bedding.
3. A desk.
4. A mini-bar.

Now you had to be careful with the mini-bar. If you took a soda out of the fridge to look at it, you would be charged. There were sensors in the fridge that automatically charge to your tab. Sherri and I didn’t believe it when we heard it, so we tried it. Sure enough, we pulled out a can of Sierra Mist, checked our bill on the T.V., and presto, $4.00 for that can of soda was on our bill. There was also a tray of snacks and booze on the dresser that worked the same way. It was hard not to try an “Indiana Jones” on the can of Pringles in the snack tray.

My only complaint was The Mandalay Bay must have made some deal with the devil and only sold Pepsi products. NO DIET COKE!!! That was not cool. I had to drink beer instead.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Come On, It's My Birthday!

Last Sunday was my birthday. We had a little celebration at home, and then we went out with the entire family to dinner at a place called BJ’s Brew House. It was a lot of fun. I had a huge plate of fish and chips with some of BJ’s finest brew. Sherri ordered a burger that was served on a steak roll. It looked really good. I said, ”Wow, that looks really good! What kind of burger is that?” She replied, “ It’s a BJ burger.” Being the pig that I am replied, “ Hey its my birthday, I should get a BJ burger!” Giving me the stink eye Sherri says, “ Fine, I’ll save you some.”