Wednesday, January 31, 2007


This is pretty sad. Twice this week I have made reference to Kevin Federline. I used the term "K-Fed." It is sad that I even know who this turkey is. This may be sadder. Both times I was corrected, by different people, "Don't you mean Fed-Ex?"

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


… nothing to talk about but puke. I was not selected for a jury today. My civic duty has been served this year. So my post today is about dog vomit.

Last night as I was finishing off another one of my bitchin blog entries, Mia my female dachshund, walks up to the desk and leaves a barf deposit at my feet. Why she thought I needed to partake in its steamy hot goodness I don’t know. There is nothing like that warm feeling in your hand as you clean up fresh dog puke, unless of course your are cleaning up fresh dog diarrhea. That would be later in the night.

Apparently the trouble making brother and sister team of Splinter and Mia had been up to no good earlier in the day. Sherri had informed me that the two of them had some how eaten an entire lemon cake. I would guess Mia had eaten most of it by the size of her belly. Splinter must have knocked it off of the kitchen table, while Mia eagerly waited below. I know this because we have seen Splinter on the kitchen table before. If you leave a chair pulled out just a little, he will be on the tabletop checking things out.
When Sherri had got home from picking up Alissa from school, all that was left of the cake was an empty container on the floor.

It reminds me of the dachshunds in The Ugly Dachshund. I have always had these dogs as pets, and they have always been little troublemakers. That’s probably why I like them so much.

Monday, January 29, 2007

My Civic Duty

The county of Riverside has my number! I get a summons for jury service every year. This year is no exception, and this is my week to call that 1-800 number everyday this week until they need me. It is incredible how they think you can drop everything and leave work at the drop of a hat. You would think there was a better way to find jurors.

I have been called in 4 times. I only had to sit in a jury once. I hung the jury, but not how you would normally associate a hung jury. I thought the guy was guilty. I actually got one person to see it my way, so the final tally was 10 not guilty, 2 guilty.

Sitting through the trial I thought this was going to be a no brainer. It was just this simple.

The guy on trial was a convicted drug dealer. He was serving his second sentence for dealing drugs. $5000.00 worth of black tar heroin was found in his locker at the local penitentiary. The drugs were hidden in his deodorant bars. The drugs were found during a routine search by the prison guards.

The guy’s only explanation was that –
A) The guards didn’t like him and must have planted it in his locker. And….
B) He never locked his locker! Anyone could have put it in there!

OK, I am a firm believer in if it looks like shit, and it smells like shit, it probably is shit.

One other thing, the judge instructed us that we could use the defendant's drug dealing history against him in this trial.

To me it sounded like we would deliberate for about 30 minutes, give the guy his third strike, and be home before lunch. Wrong! I guess I could have just gone with the consensus and that would have happened, but I was not having any of that. The defense had given me nothing more than what I stated above as a defense, common sence told me this was shit.

Basically the rest of the jurors believed the convict and thought the prison guards lied. Why the guards had a reason to lie I don’t know. Why they would use $5000.00 worth of drugs to frame this guy I don’t know. $100.00 would have worked just as well. What I do know is that 4 jurors had relatives in jail and said they could make an unbiased judgment in this case. Every single one of them was leading the argument against the guards. Why the idiot D.A. let them be on the jury I don’t know. One of them actually called me a Nazi because I would not see her point of view. At that point one other juror change his vote to guilty.

After the trial, the lawyers wanted the jury to hang out and talk to them about how they could possibly do things different, or if they should even bother. The jury was never polled, but the assistant D.A. knew exactly who voted guilty. She asked me flat out, “What the hell happened?” I told her how the guards were scrutinized more than the convict, and that they should have never let family of convicts sit in this kind of trial.

Oh man, I just checked the county web site. My group reports at 7:30 tomorrow morning. Who knows, maybe I’ll have a juicy entry tomorrow. If not, I’ll have to write about why I have to stop now and clean up the puke my dog just spewed on the carpet.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Naked Brothers

What the hell is my kid watching? The Naked Brothers Band? What is a parent supposed to think with a name like that? Oh, I know, its something you can see on Showtime at two in the morning. WRONG! It’s a new show on Nickelodeon, and Alissa (my 6 year old) loves it. Here is a conversation her Aunt Val had with her while watching TV.

Alissa- Ooo look it’s the Naked Brothers Band.

Val- What’s The Naked Brothers Band? Are they naked?

Alissa- No silly, they try to dress all hot so the girls will like them! And you know what, it works. I really like Ned!

My life is gonna suck in about 6 years.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Meager Attempt

About 1:30 Saturday afternoon I was driving to my in-law's house, with tears in my eyes. I had got a call from Sherri telling me that her mother no longer wanted to be left alone with John because she didn’t think he had that much time left. This had come on real quick, I was there last week watching football with him and he seemed ok, we had a good time. He was sitting up, talking, and things weren’t that much different than the last 3 months.

I had a good idea what I was going to see when I got there because of my father’s death from cancer. This would be no different for me now. I consider John my father just as much as my birth father. He has always treated me like his son, and I believe he loves me like his son. I love John like my father. This visit was going to be tough.

Just immediate family was there, Mary (wife), Sherri and Shelly (daughters), and Phil and myself (son-in-laws). No kids were there.

Seeing John was like seeing my father a few weeks before his death. Up until now you could talk to John and he could talk back. He no longer has the strength to do so. He will fade in and out of consciousness and occasionally whisper a word or two. This was very hard to see, I had to leave the room a couple of times to recompose myself.

We decided that Sherri would spend the night with Mary. I would go and pick up the kids from the babysitter’s, then take them home. We would then come back in the morning to see how things were.

I now have to pull it all together and try to say good night to John. I stood over him with tears in my eyes, but couldn’t speak. I bent over and hugged him and kissed him on the forehead. As I started back up I could hear him softly say, “good-bye buddy.” I smiled and squeezed his hand, and went home to pick up the kids.

Sunday morning I got the call from Sherri. It was over; John had passed away in his sleep.

Everyone seems to be doing ok. Even though we knew this day was coming, it still hurts when it actually happens. John touch the lives of many people, he was a father to more than just me and his immediate family. My meager attempts at writing can’t truly describe how much John will be missed.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Please Pass the Beauty Cream

Looking at the past can be tough.

I got my copy of Bleak Future out the other night. I really hadn’t seen it since it was reedited and put out on DVD. The DVD had extras like most DVDs these days. I had more fun listening to the comments and watching the outtakes than watching the movie. I was invited to go to the recording of the comments and be included in that part of the DVD, but stuff going on with Sarah kept me from making the trip to the studio that night. It would have been nice to touch base with the young adults that made up the cast of Bleak Future. I was the old guy in the cast. I think I was 33. I will be 43 next month. Everyone else was a teenager or in their early twenties.

When I clicked to the comment section there was a picture of all the actors that attended the recording. They had all grown up! They all looked like parents. Most of them were parents! It made me feel old. Did I always look like a parent to those kids? I spent a lot of time with them, I felt like one of the gang. When I clicked to the rehearsal clips and saw myself, not in make up, reading lines with the other actors, I realized the big difference between early twenties and early thirties…ugh!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Who would...

... send their kid to a school that only teaches math and english? I do. I only just found this out at our last parent teacher meeting. Austin's 4th grade teacher informed us that because the school has done so poorly on state proficiency tests, they only teach math and language arts. What the hell is that! No history, no geography, no art. They also do P.E. a couple of times a week. Whoopie! I guess until those test scores go up, that's what the cirriculum will be. That bites. I may have the option of sending Austin to another school in the district, one that is doing better on the state tests, but that would invovle a lot of transportation. I just can't believe the school district could just eliminate so many subjects without parents knowing. They only inform you about the school's performance on the tests, but not how they are going to deal with it.

Only about 100,000 people died in the first 4 hours of 24! Jack Bauer was only resposible for 2 of them.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

He's Back!

Jack Bauer is back tonight! 24 starts it's new season tonight! This series rules! I think the over/under on deaths tonight should be about 10. I really like that they don't interupt the story line with repeats. I gave up on Lost because you had to watch so many repeats. If you haven't check out 24, give it a try. Its not for wimps!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Wanna Lifesaver?

Today I signed my son up for little league. It will be his first experience with organized sports. He is starting kind of late; he will be 11 in March. I am hoping that he will enjoy the experience of being successful on the field. It is hard to beat the feeling of hitting a grand slam after the opposing team intentionally walked the guy in front of you. The only grand slam I ever hit happened just that way. They even brought in their closer to pitch to me, which made it even sweeter, first pitch fastball, GONE!

I grew up playing soccer, baseball, and tennis. I was pretty good. I was never the best guy out there, but I did have the skills to play at a high level of competition. It was my interest in sports that kept me out of trouble as a teenager. I am hoping that this works for my son too.

I am not sure how Austin will do. He is an athletic little guy, but his hand-eye coordination is well…..lousy. His memory is a little sketchy too. I think he may have a hard time knowing what to do in some game situations. There’s a man on first, nobody out and Austin is playing second base. The ball is hit on the ground to him. Where should Austin throw the ball?

One thing that is really cool about my job is that I will be available in the afternoons and evenings for baseball practices and games. My father wasn’t. He worked the night shift for the police department. My mom would come to some of the games, but I wanted my dad to be there. I am hoping that I can do that for Austin. I want to be there when he hits that grand slam, or to offer him a lifesaver when he fails. Who remembers that commercial?

Monday, January 8, 2007

More Glue For You

In previous entries (here, and here) I have referred to my wife as the “glue”. This weekend would be another great example of that very thing.

Friday was my oldest daughter’s birthday. She is now 15. If you don’t know me or haven’t read my site that much, Sarah is in a
residential school in Utah. I live in California. Sherri had planned a trip to see her on her birthday a couple of months ago, but with the condition of her father being so bad, things had to change.

Sherri wanted to take Sarah home to see her dad. The students at this school are not usually allowed to leave the property. They can leave campus with their parents, only if they have been good. Sarah has not been good. She would have to do all her visiting on campus. Sherri had different plans.

Sherri explained the condition her father to the school and requested to take Sarah to her father’s for the day. This really wasn’t a problem for the school. We just didn’t want Sarah to know. We also didn’t want her younger brother and sister to know. Austin and Alissa would just think that mommy had to take care of grandpa for the weekend. I would stay home with the younger ones.

Sherri was going to drive to Utah Friday, and pick up Sarah Saturday morning (early). Then she would drive back to California, where Sarah would get to visit Saturday afternoon and some of Sunday morning. Finally, Sherri would drive Sarah back to Utah Sunday afternoon, where she had to be on campus by 7:30pm.

Sherri was willing to do all this because she thought a visit to she her father alive would be better than going to the funeral, and she is just a great mom.

Well the trip went down without any problems. John was having a bad weekend, but was able to visit and comfort Sarah. Sarah was on her best behavior and genuinely grateful for the visit. Sherri said it was one of the most enjoyable times she has ever spent with Sarah. We are hoping the chance to enjoy some of the little freedoms that Sarah has not had for almost year now, will get her to straighten up her act and get her home.

So now it’s Monday afternoon and Sherri is still not home. Did I mention her sister went with her on the trip back? Instead of staying in Utah last night, they went to Las Vegas. So hopefully she is not having one of those “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” days.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Color Could Be A Problem.

The family van took a dump on New Year's Eve. We were trying to get out of town, but ended up leaving the van at our mechanic's shop. This made Alissa very sad. She was crying, "I don't want Whitey to die! I don't want Whitey to die!" As you can probably guess, the color of our van is white. I never knew that Alissa had a name for the car, let alone such an awkard one. I mumbled to Sherri, "At least she doesn't call it Cracker." Naturally, I got elbowed and was told to shut up.

A couple of days later we were eating dinner and I asked Sherri what the mechanic said about the van. The mechanic said he can fix the problem that broke us down on New Years for about $600.00, but he found a bunch of other stuff that will need to be fixed very soon too. It will probably cost about $2500.00 to do it all. Much more than we want to put in THAT P.O.S.. So he suggested getting a new car. Alissa started to get upset again. We told her that we would get a better car and that she could name that one too! Alissa's response, "Can I pick the color ?" My response, "Just not black." Ow, kick to the shin under the table!

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

How Is Malathionman Like A Dreamgirl?

I bet many of you were wondering that very thing. How is Malathionman like a Dreamgirl? Does he sing show tunes? Only in the shower. Does he like to dance? When ever there is a pole in the room. Does he like to wear high heals? Maybe if they came from Mocha Mama’s closet. The other day at work I was compared to a “Dreamgirl.”

Nelson is the guy my boss hired to fill my old position. He is a former golf course superintendent from Canada. He is a great guy, and very over-qualified for his current position. He is also very Canadian. He talks just like Bob McKenzie. He does own a copy of “Strange Brew” , and can probably quote the whole thing to you. He even keeps me updated on junior hockey scores, like anyone in the desert gives a rip about junior ice hockey.

While I was out with my surgery, Nelson was in charge of my crew. He did just fine, but it was a bit of culture shock for Nelson and my entire Hispanic crew. They are used to THIS white boy, and apparently missed me very much. I bring donuts every Friday. In fact they all showed up at my house the Saturday before Christmas to see how I was doing. Unfortunately I was at the post office and Sherri was in the shower when they showed up.

I get this call from Sherri, “Where the hell are you?”
Me, “You know where I’m at, I’m at the post office.”
“Get your ass home now.”
“Why? What did I do?”
“Your entire crew is here, and I just stepped out of the shower.”
“ Oh man (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle), that sucks for you.”
“Your dead.”
“I’ll be right there.”

Anyways, Nelson told me the story about how the crew was planning the trip to my house and how the girls were going to bring me flowers and tamales. He was very impressed.

Nelson, “Dude they love you here, you are like………..Beyonce!”
Me, “Thanks.”