
Showing posts with label me being stupid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me being stupid. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Yeah, "Plumb Me"

Monday, May 12, 2008
Maybe That's Why We Don't Talk.
While doing my Mother’s Day shopping (for my wife) this week I saw a lot of great gift ideas. I spent a lot of time trying to decide what she would like the most. This is hard to do when there is a 7-year-old girl who wants to go home and play, instead of shopping for mommy with you.
I always try to pick something nicer than what Sherri would normally buy for herself, or something she wouldn’t normally buy for herself. I finally decided on a skirtini and a pair of shoes to match.
While driving home I thought about what I might get for my own mother for Mother’s Day. I don’t really talk to my mom much anymore, so I don’t put the kind of effort that I should into her gift. I know that sounds bad and I have come to realize that maybe some of my previous efforts at her Mother’s Day gifts may have contributed to our lack of communication.
Here are some examples.
I always try to pick something nicer than what Sherri would normally buy for herself, or something she wouldn’t normally buy for herself. I finally decided on a skirtini and a pair of shoes to match.
While driving home I thought about what I might get for my own mother for Mother’s Day. I don’t really talk to my mom much anymore, so I don’t put the kind of effort that I should into her gift. I know that sounds bad and I have come to realize that maybe some of my previous efforts at her Mother’s Day gifts may have contributed to our lack of communication.
Here are some examples.
I'm sure I saw some of this stuff in her bathroom. So when I saw it at the store I thought, "Hey, mom uses this stuff. I'm sure she would love getting some more for Mother's Day!"
OK, so mom has a little moustache, some sideburns, and ... a beard. No biggy. This Epilady thing takes care of all of that. I think it takes care of armpits, legs, and other hairy spots, if you know what I mean. She haaaad to think this was a great gift. The salesman said it actually feels good when you use it too!

When I was a kid, I KNOW I saw one of these in her bathroom. I remember asking what it was. She said it was a massager. I also remember it was boring looking and white. Now that I'm older and wiser, I thought it would be funny to remind her of that fine mother-son moment with something a little more colorful. I'm sure she was all laughs when the UPS man needed her to sign for the package.
Monday, March 31, 2008
They Would Not Have Been Merry Maids
It has been a week of firsts for the Malathionman.
I have lived at the current house for about four years. I have never been able to park a car in the garage. Between boxes of unpacked stuff, garage sale stuff, Christmas stuff, Halloween stuff, new bikes, old bikes, exercise bike, paint, tile, and just a bunch shit we will never ever use again but just don’t want let it go, the car has never made in the garage. Well the car finally did it. It got to spend the night in the garage. I got a little more organized and made some things mysteriously disappear. Actually it’s not a mystery until somebody knows it’s missing.
Next “first” is that I won my first auction on eBay! It was very exciting. I purchased a laptop for $365.00. That was $110.00 less than the “buy now” price that the computer shop was asking for. I had a price in mind and I stuck to it. I had to enter about 7 auctions before I got the price that I wanted. $365.00 was the lowest price I saw the computer go for until I finally won with a whopping $365.01 bid. Lots of fun; I will definitely try it again.
Lastly, I had my Micro League friends over yesterday for our annual draft. An event that used to be a bunch of single guys belching and farting and scratching themselves while they select players for the next year, has turned into a family “party” event with wives and kids that hang around us guys while we belch and fart and scratch ourselves while picking players for the next year. The draft at my house seems to have become a tradition. I don’t mind at all; I enjoy it. However, it is a lot of work for Sherri and me.
This year we did something different. We hired someone to clean the house, not just someone, but an actual cleaning service. In 22 years of marriage, I have never had the house professionally cleaned. Wow, what a difference. We might do it monthly now.
So here is a funny or gross story about the whole “cleaners experience”.
Sherri arranged for the cleaners to start early in the morning. I was at work. I have to work every other weekend, but only until 9am. When I got home the cleaners were still there working hard. The first thing I usually do when I get home is make a trip to the throne room. A couple of diet cokes and a breakfast burrito at 5am usually come calling around 930am. Well, the cleaners were still working, in both bathrooms! There is no way I’m going to stink up one of those bathrooms and then have them go back to work. They would then be entitled to hazard pay. So I went to the near by Jack in the Box and used the public toilet instead. I know; pathetic.
I have lived at the current house for about four years. I have never been able to park a car in the garage. Between boxes of unpacked stuff, garage sale stuff, Christmas stuff, Halloween stuff, new bikes, old bikes, exercise bike, paint, tile, and just a bunch shit we will never ever use again but just don’t want let it go, the car has never made in the garage. Well the car finally did it. It got to spend the night in the garage. I got a little more organized and made some things mysteriously disappear. Actually it’s not a mystery until somebody knows it’s missing.
Next “first” is that I won my first auction on eBay! It was very exciting. I purchased a laptop for $365.00. That was $110.00 less than the “buy now” price that the computer shop was asking for. I had a price in mind and I stuck to it. I had to enter about 7 auctions before I got the price that I wanted. $365.00 was the lowest price I saw the computer go for until I finally won with a whopping $365.01 bid. Lots of fun; I will definitely try it again.
Lastly, I had my Micro League friends over yesterday for our annual draft. An event that used to be a bunch of single guys belching and farting and scratching themselves while they select players for the next year, has turned into a family “party” event with wives and kids that hang around us guys while we belch and fart and scratch ourselves while picking players for the next year. The draft at my house seems to have become a tradition. I don’t mind at all; I enjoy it. However, it is a lot of work for Sherri and me.
This year we did something different. We hired someone to clean the house, not just someone, but an actual cleaning service. In 22 years of marriage, I have never had the house professionally cleaned. Wow, what a difference. We might do it monthly now.
So here is a funny or gross story about the whole “cleaners experience”.
Sherri arranged for the cleaners to start early in the morning. I was at work. I have to work every other weekend, but only until 9am. When I got home the cleaners were still there working hard. The first thing I usually do when I get home is make a trip to the throne room. A couple of diet cokes and a breakfast burrito at 5am usually come calling around 930am. Well, the cleaners were still working, in both bathrooms! There is no way I’m going to stink up one of those bathrooms and then have them go back to work. They would then be entitled to hazard pay. So I went to the near by Jack in the Box and used the public toilet instead. I know; pathetic.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
No Sympathy

I don’t know why I found this so funny. I actually turned around, got out of the car and snapped this picture. Are things that tough for the homebuilders right now that they can’t afford to pay the sign shaker dude? I kind of felt sorry for the whole sign shaker community; their days must be numbered...

... Then I saw this fine example “shaking” two blocks down the road, I didn’t feel sorry any more. Maybe the homebuilders are just smart.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Maybe I Should Grow Up
My son brought home a flyer from school today. Austin is in the 5th grade and the school is having the district nurse (Mrs. Suzanne Dick) give a presentation to all the boys about the changes that their bodies will be going through. I don't remember this talk taking place until junior high for me, and it came from Mr. Roden. When I read that Mrs. Dick was giving the presentation I had a hard time explaining to Austin what I thought was so funny.
I tried to scan the flyer and post it but I couldn't get it up. Maybe Mrs. Dick could help me with that too.
Let the "grown up" comments fly.
I tried to scan the flyer and post it but I couldn't get it up. Maybe Mrs. Dick could help me with that too.
Let the "grown up" comments fly.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I'm Just A X-Mas Kinda Guy
It is January 12th and I just took down the Christmas tree. It's a good thing I don't do lights on the house.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Because They Asked
A few weeks ago I asked what kinds of things did you guys like to read here at Wear Gloves And Protective Eyewear. Kristi and Elizabeth both made strange requests in the comments. I’m surprised Kristi didn’t ask me to write about afterbirth. Hasn’t Mallory popped out yet? Anyways, I’m going to do a “Wayne Brady” and try to work their requests into this post. Some of this post is true, some of it well…
I don’t know how this always happens, but I had to take Alissa to her friend’s birthday party while Sherri was at work. The party was at a place called Pump It Up. Pump It Up is a place that specializes in bouncy fun!
Your child and their guests get to enjoy a private room filled with all the best bouncy toys you can think of. They had a giant slide, an obstacle course, and the biggest moon bounce I have ever seen. These rides were so big that they even allowed the parents to jump in them. Game on, I’m all over that.
So I kick off my flip-flops and started attacking the obstacle course like Nitro from American Gladiators. I always have an American Gladiator outfit in the car just for times like this! Kids are flying, moms are screaming, other dads are cheering as I annihilate this wimpy course. Then all of a sudden I hear a loud whistle. It is the teenage boy that monitors the kids, “Dude, you can’t be in there.” “And why the hell not?” I responded, “You guys said parents could play too!” “It’s your nasty ass toenails, they are too long, they might pop the rides, and I don’t even want to talk about that toe fungus. I think you can get a prescription for that.” the pimple faced punk replied. “You really should go to the private room for dads.” “Really? Where is that?” “Follow me Nitro.” Me and all the other dads follow “Spicoli” back to a black door marked private.
The private room was actually an arena filled with cheering and screaming dads. They were cheering for the two Victoria’s Secret models wrestling in a pit of lime jello. I think one of them was Tyra Banks. She had 30 lbs on the other one and easily won.
The ring announcer then steps into the ring, “Can we have a volunteer that thinks he can handle these two ladies!” Everyone stops and turns to look at the guy wearing the red, white and blue leotard. Then the chanting begins, “Nitro, Nitro, Nitro…..” Some dreams do come true.
I’m going to describe the match as efficiently as I can. Bill Murray, John Candy, Stripes. Do I need to say more?
When all the fun was over, me and the other dads joined the birthday party, again. We were just in time for cake and ice cream. There was a different private room for present opening and cake eating. The Pump It Up crew took care of serving the cake and singing to the kids. I was impressed. I went to this girl’s party last year at Chuck E Cheese. This year’s party was much better.
I don’t know how this always happens, but I had to take Alissa to her friend’s birthday party while Sherri was at work. The party was at a place called Pump It Up. Pump It Up is a place that specializes in bouncy fun!
Your child and their guests get to enjoy a private room filled with all the best bouncy toys you can think of. They had a giant slide, an obstacle course, and the biggest moon bounce I have ever seen. These rides were so big that they even allowed the parents to jump in them. Game on, I’m all over that.
So I kick off my flip-flops and started attacking the obstacle course like Nitro from American Gladiators. I always have an American Gladiator outfit in the car just for times like this! Kids are flying, moms are screaming, other dads are cheering as I annihilate this wimpy course. Then all of a sudden I hear a loud whistle. It is the teenage boy that monitors the kids, “Dude, you can’t be in there.” “And why the hell not?” I responded, “You guys said parents could play too!” “It’s your nasty ass toenails, they are too long, they might pop the rides, and I don’t even want to talk about that toe fungus. I think you can get a prescription for that.” the pimple faced punk replied. “You really should go to the private room for dads.” “Really? Where is that?” “Follow me Nitro.” Me and all the other dads follow “Spicoli” back to a black door marked private.
The private room was actually an arena filled with cheering and screaming dads. They were cheering for the two Victoria’s Secret models wrestling in a pit of lime jello. I think one of them was Tyra Banks. She had 30 lbs on the other one and easily won.
The ring announcer then steps into the ring, “Can we have a volunteer that thinks he can handle these two ladies!” Everyone stops and turns to look at the guy wearing the red, white and blue leotard. Then the chanting begins, “Nitro, Nitro, Nitro…..” Some dreams do come true.
I’m going to describe the match as efficiently as I can. Bill Murray, John Candy, Stripes. Do I need to say more?
When all the fun was over, me and the other dads joined the birthday party, again. We were just in time for cake and ice cream. There was a different private room for present opening and cake eating. The Pump It Up crew took care of serving the cake and singing to the kids. I was impressed. I went to this girl’s party last year at Chuck E Cheese. This year’s party was much better.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Put Those Things Away!
I will start this post with the acknowledgement that I am a pig. So you don't need to point that out in your comments, but if you must, go ahead, I'm all for free speech.
Church here in the desert is pretty slow. About half of my church leaves town for the summer.
Church here in the desert is also pretty casual. It is usually at least 110, so people dress to stay cool. Especially the ladies.
Today was an exceptionally "scenic"day. The sun dresses were out in abundance. It was a great day to be a guy.
A guy can usually catch a casual glimpse of an attractive woman and its no big deal, but today, I flat out was caught staring. I wasn't even going to deny it.
The woman I was staring at was wearing a red sun dress with very thin shoulder straps and the top was barely holding in her breasts. She was very tan, but her boobs weren't! You could see that much. I think my mouth was actually open in amazement when I got an elbow in the ribs from Sherri.
So basically, I was caught checking out babes at church today, with my wife standing next to me. I'm pretty much going to hell.
Church here in the desert is pretty slow. About half of my church leaves town for the summer.
Church here in the desert is also pretty casual. It is usually at least 110, so people dress to stay cool. Especially the ladies.
Today was an exceptionally "scenic"day. The sun dresses were out in abundance. It was a great day to be a guy.
A guy can usually catch a casual glimpse of an attractive woman and its no big deal, but today, I flat out was caught staring. I wasn't even going to deny it.
The woman I was staring at was wearing a red sun dress with very thin shoulder straps and the top was barely holding in her breasts. She was very tan, but her boobs weren't! You could see that much. I think my mouth was actually open in amazement when I got an elbow in the ribs from Sherri.
So basically, I was caught checking out babes at church today, with my wife standing next to me. I'm pretty much going to hell.
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