The 6th Letter of the Alphabet List

Peas and carrots, peanut butter and chocolate, Malathionman and Death Chick, some things just go together. D.C. is a great blogger and when you die she would be glad do your make up before they display your corpse to curious friends and family.

Sometimes the Death Chick gets a little excited abouts things and rants a bit. She accidentally (yeah right) started a meme called the F-List. I'm not sure my F-List was what she was looking for, but she linked me anyways.

Lets Be Honest

Someone I consider a good friend revealed to her readers that she was a birth mom. Being an adoptive parent, I can not begin to express the kind of heart I think she has for doing one of the toughest things a woman can do, give a child up for adoption. The reason she shared this information was because the child she gave up for adoption has found her. If you click on the link you will read that mother and child are doing great.

The conditions of my adoption were different. The birth mother of my children did not voluntarily give her kids up. They were taken from her. Despite that lousy situation, I’m pretty sure my kids will be looking up their birth parents.

I’ll be honest, that bothers me. And I’ll be even more honest, it bothers me for a very selfish reason, I don’t want to share. I understand an adoptive child’s curiosity about their birth parents, but it will still hurt when Sarah, Austin or Alissa decide to look them up.

But I shouldn’t be so insecure. The birth parents of my kids are not very appealing. Both dads are in jail and mom is a drug addict.

Hopefully ALL the family involved in the above reunion are better equipped to handle the situation than I will be. I wish them all the very best.

No, It Wasn't Weed.

If you read the comment from Sarah in my last post you may be wondering about “the package” she was talking about. I guess Chris is the only one wondering since he was the only other commenter.

When I got back from vacation there was a plain brown package waiting for me in the mail. Usually when I get these kinds of packages they have a Columbian postmark. But it didn’t. This package came from the lovely state of Maine.

Cool, this package came from Sarah!

Sarah is a blogger I came across while clicking on that “next blog” button on Blogger. I left a comment, that I’m sure was rude, and now I bug her on a regular basis.

Sarah likes to knit. I try, but I can’t even pull off a basic purl stitch.

Frustrated, I e-mailed her. I wanted to make something cute for Alissa and needed help. Sarah said, “Step away from those circular needles rookie. I’ll make something special for that red haired princess of yours!”

So she did. And here it is.














Look at how clean that room is!



I think a few of my readers already visit her blog. But if you haven’t, do it! And ask her to knit you something!

Thanks Sarah! Now that I have your address you should be looking for that package from Columbia.

I Did Mocha Momma

Today I am guest posting at Mocha Momma's Blog. I was very flattered that she would ask. I don't know what she was thinking.

Christmas Idea

I have been involved with the same fantasy baseball league for about 18 years. Most of us are really good friends. One year one of the guys put together a CD for everyone in the league. It wasn’t just a bunch of songs that he liked. Each song on the CD was dedicated to each team in the league. So there was hidden meaning to each song. One guy’s team was the doormat of the league; his track was U Can't Touch This. The guy who made the CD burned Sinatra for his team, My Way. It was really fun to tease another manager about what song his team got. I enjoyed that CD for a long time. It was a great gift.

I thought I would share that as a Christmas idea for my blogging friends that stop by and leave nice comments. With all the downloadable music that is available, it is probably an easy thing to do. Most bloggers hang out in groups. Why not make a CD with each track dedicated to a blogger? Here is an example from my PPE list. It should be playing on the player right now.

Mocha Momma-Black Coffee Inn Bed
Queen Of Disfunction-Superfreak

Here are some other tracks that would be on my CD.

Hyperbolic Hermitage- Renegades of Funk (Rage Against The Machine). I’m not going to let her librarian persona fool me. I’m sure she is a renegade of the atomic age.

Long Drives To Nowhere- Nowhere Road (Fastball). How do you get to Nowhere? Nowhere Road.

Rantings of a Crazy Woman- Pump It Up (Elvis Costello). Kristi stopped breast feeding this week.

Seeking Camelot- I’ve Done Everything For You (Rick Springfield). G was in love with Dr. Noah Drake back in the 80’s, probably still is.

White Hot Magik- Never There (Cake). What the hell Nora, where have you been?

This Side of Patty O- Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad (Meatloaf). Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics.

Because They Asked

A few weeks ago I asked what kinds of things did you guys like to read here at Wear Gloves And Protective Eyewear. Kristi and Elizabeth both made strange requests in the comments. I’m surprised Kristi didn’t ask me to write about afterbirth. Hasn’t Mallory popped out yet? Anyways, I’m going to do a “Wayne Brady” and try to work their requests into this post. Some of this post is true, some of it well…

I don’t know how this always happens, but I had to take Alissa to her friend’s birthday party while Sherri was at work. The party was at a place called Pump It Up. Pump It Up is a place that specializes in bouncy fun!

Your child and their guests get to enjoy a private room filled with all the best bouncy toys you can think of. They had a giant slide, an obstacle course, and the biggest moon bounce I have ever seen. These rides were so big that they even allowed the parents to jump in them. Game on, I’m all over that.

So I kick off my flip-flops and started attacking the obstacle course like Nitro from American Gladiators. I always have an American Gladiator outfit in the car just for times like this! Kids are flying, moms are screaming, other dads are cheering as I annihilate this wimpy course. Then all of a sudden I hear a loud whistle. It is the teenage boy that monitors the kids, “Dude, you can’t be in there.” “And why the hell not?” I responded, “You guys said parents could play too!” “It’s your nasty ass toenails, they are too long, they might pop the rides, and I don’t even want to talk about that toe fungus. I think you can get a prescription for that.” the pimple faced punk replied. “You really should go to the private room for dads.” “Really? Where is that?” “Follow me Nitro.” Me and all the other dads follow “Spicoli” back to a black door marked private.

The private room was actually an arena filled with cheering and screaming dads. They were cheering for the two Victoria’s Secret models wrestling in a pit of lime jello. I think one of them was Tyra Banks. She had 30 lbs on the other one and easily won.

The ring announcer then steps into the ring, “Can we have a volunteer that thinks he can handle these two ladies!” Everyone stops and turns to look at the guy wearing the red, white and blue leotard. Then the chanting begins, “Nitro, Nitro, Nitro…..” Some dreams do come true.

I’m going to describe the match as efficiently as I can. Bill Murray, John Candy, Stripes. Do I need to say more?

When all the fun was over, me and the other dads joined the birthday party, again. We were just in time for cake and ice cream. There was a different private room for present opening and cake eating. The Pump It Up crew took care of serving the cake and singing to the kids. I was impressed. I went to this girl’s party last year at Chuck E Cheese. This year’s party was much better.

Just Curious

Do you wear gloves and protective eyewear when you visit this site? Does my writing cause eye and skin irritation? I often wonder what brings some people here or back for return visits. The crude titles I use for a lot of my posts bring hits from all over the world, but when they don’t find pictures of “boob licking” or “butt plugs” they put the hand lotion away and try a different search.

I started this blog for my fantasy baseball friends. It was supposed to be used as place for us to talk baseball and possibly make trades in our fantasy baseball league. I think some of the guys read it every once in a while, but it has basically evolved into something I didn’t intend it to be, a place where I tell stories about what’s going on in my life. Why would I think anyone gives a rip about that?

One thing I have discovered since I started this blog is that I enjoy writing. I think my writing has improved too. I think I could go into more detail when I’m telling my stories, but I’m not sure my readers enjoy the real long post.

Sometimes I don’t have any funny stories to tell. I’ll sit in front of the computer and try to think of something, but I usually just skip posting until I have something in my head ready to go. I bring this up because I often wonder what people like to read about when they come here. I like to write about my family, but for the sake of this “writing thing” I’m asking for some other ideas.

Here are some things that I can write about without bull shitting you, BASEBALL, THE ANGELS, FOOTBALL, GOLF, GOLF COURSE MAINTENANCE, COOKING, PARENTING, ADOPTION, MOVIES, MUSIC, MANAGEMENT, LAWN CARE, GARDENING, PESTICIDES (Besides Nora, how many of you know Malathion is a pesticide?), HOME DEPOT (Worked there 8 years.), DOMINO’S PIZZA (Worked there 10 years.), AND MARRIAGE (Married 22 years.).

I am willing to write about more serious topics like politics, religion, and race/discrimination issues, but I get the impression people come here for a “light read”.

So friends, give an evil mutant a shout. Let me know if there is something you would like me to tackle. You would be doing ME the favor.

She Has No Locks Of Gold

Somebody has been sitting in my chair! I got home from vacation and found a weird “ass print” in it. I was sure that I had shut off the computer, but I found it on, logged in on Wear Gloves and Protective Eyewear. There was an empty Starbucks cup, these and an open bottle of this on my desk. I’m not sure what was going on while I was gone. I am sure I’m getting the chair cleaned.

Actually, I know what was going on. My friend Kelly was nice enough to find time for my little blog and me while I vacationed in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. I was flattered when she accepted my invitation to be my guest blogger. She is a very busy woman and one post would have been great in my eyes, but she cranked out three. Thanks Kelly.

Not that Kelly needs my help plugging her site, but I encourage any of my readers that haven’t checked out her non-porn site to go to the links in her second post here at WGAPE. I did, and I listened to the entire hour of the radio interview. Kelly, it was nice to put a voice on that ugly mug of yours, and if you were wondering, I always sound like the Malathionman in that Bleak Future trailer.

I had never listened to a blog radio show before; it was pretty cool. The topic of the interview was The Inclusion and Exclusion: Where Are the Bloggers of Color and Why Aren’t We Reading Them. At the BlogHer conference in Chicago last month, some marketing “pros” wanted to know how to tap into the mommy blogger market, Kelly asked these marketing pros, “When will the diversity come into play?” She could not get a response. Now they are the topic of conversation on many of the diversified blogs out there, probably not the reaction they were looking for.

Damn it Kelly for making me have to think! First the big words, now this! I feel like an insensitive evil mutant with a bad case of hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

P.S.
Hey Kelly, a marketing agency for a sex toy company sent me some free butt plugs.

Busy, Busy Bee That's Me

While I've been working on my own blog (WHICH IS FINALLY FIXED, THANK YOU TO GOD IN HEAVEN IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Sorry for the "damn", God. Forgive me?) I've also been:

eating way too many fried foods
taking mediocre pictures
getting hooked on new websites
working on freshman schedules
trying to get ready for a Podcast with Kristen Chase
trying to write for BlogRhet
continuing to stir up my own corner of the blog world with issues of race and blogging
putting together a panel of women (and men!) to discuss the issues of race and blogging at next year's BlogHer conference
getting continous wedgies from sitting at my desk
working on "chair ass" at said desk
getting to know my new computer (it's black! whether it's a "he" or "she" is still up in the air)
wondering where the hell the blogging community has disappeared
clipping my toenails and leaving them here for Malation Man to clean up later
drinking my new favorite beer, Red Stripe
cutting up pears and fancy goat cheese to go with Red Stripe

What have you been doing or are all the bloggers on vacation with Malation Man? Are y'all fishing? Covering yards and houses in toilet paper?

3 Questions a la Dwight K. Schrute

Question: What the heck is good to watch on television during the summer?

Nothing, I tell you. NOTHING.

This fall I'm planning on catching up on some good television that I've missed for the last two years since I've been taking classes. One of them is The Office. It's one of my favorite shows I've caught up on because I've blindly bought the DVDs and then I started reading Dwight's blog. Speaking of awkward segues that make reference to aforementioned television shows...

Question: If I told you that I have some upcoming projects and you'd have to go read them in other places, would you?

No? Ok. I'll try another one after this cute anecdote.

My neighbor's son came over to play for awhile yesterday while I had a houseful of relatives for my Grandma's birthday (Give a shout out to Maggie for her 90th, would you? She's all over this blog stuff and reads me religiously. No. She doesn't. But it would be nice anyway and you could leave more $10 words for the owner of this blog.) and he said this to me: "I'm for serious." That's my new favorite phrase and I'm going to inject it into the vernacular in an attempt to get other adults to talk like three-year olds.

Question: Did you know that I have a podcast coming up and you can hear my midwestern vocalization in real time? I do! It's a broadcast on race and blogging involving Glennia and Jason on Kristen Chases's blog radio show. Click here to bookmark the page and come back Wednesday night from 9-10. Oh, come on. The new fall line-up hasn't started yet and you know there isn't anything good on television just yet.

Plus, you can call in and get on the radio. Dwight would find that hysterical.

Just for fun and to combine my granny's birthday with how I spent my evening after a long day of partying (read: watched Season 2 of The Office) I've linked a clip for you that's one of my favorites.

Listen to my radio broadcast or no cookie. For serious.

Pink Bunnies & Sex Toys

MalathionMan foolishly gave me his password to blogsit for him and now I'm thinking this place is too dark. Perhaps something pink and in the way of cute bunnies would make for a lovely background? Maybe a rainbow of tampons? OH! How about an array of glow-in-the-dark blow up sex toys? I shall think on it.

For the time being, my own blog is "broken" and that has hindered me from telling all these great stories because I can't even get into it easily myself. There's the one about the guy who stalked me at the park and gave me the creeps (unless that was you, MalationMan, in which case dude, what an asshat you are) or the fact that I ate nearly an entire gallon of ice cream in one sitting or maybe the time last week when I spent the evening quoting So I Married An Axe Murderer. They're all quite interesting stories. At least, I can make them interesting. Sometimes I do better to tell stories in person but I can't quite do that yet. My Superpowers don't yet allow me to teleport into your homes (and prisons - I know that's where a lot of MalathionMan's readers are) whenever I choose.

In any case, here I am on a Saturday helping to keep this place nice and tidy while the proprietor ($10 Word #1) of this hellhole takes a vacation and surely he's checked back here and is screaming, "Why hasn't she posted yet? She's so damn slow and lazy! God! I hate her!" because it's Saturday and I was supposed to start yesterday.

I'm here now. You can rest easy.

To begin my week of hijacking this mofo I thought I'd introduce myself to his readers. Hi, I'm Mocha Momma. I've got this blog over here and sometimes I write about education and other times I write about my three kids or sometimes I post pictures (but I took them down not too long ago and am now starting to put some back up) and other times I discuss inappropriate things that my father would croak if he heard me discussing but that my mother seems to enjoy. Recently, I've stirred the proverbial ($10 Word #2) pot and discussed the taboo topic of race, but I sure enjoy saying what's on my mind.

He said I could write anything and now that I am afforded that sumptuousness ($10 Word #3) I have to admit that I'm stumped. It'll come to me, I'm sure. The point is Mr. Vacation has left me in charge and we're going to raid the fridge, use permanent markers in the living room where there is fresh paint, and have a party.

Leave some $10 Words in the comments so he has to look them up when he returns. In the meantime, sit down for a cuppa or a very dirty martini (Belvedere vodka , thankyouverymuch) and I'll make us some snacks and find those markers so we can make a mess.

Get back to me on the pink & bunnies & sex toys.

No Time To Poop

This past week I have been beyond busy.

1. I had 4 different fantasy baseball drafts. One was at my house. That means cleaning up the house so that my guests believe I only have 3 kids instead of the 12 that seem to leave their shit all over the place. I’m not complaining though; draft time is just about as good as Christmas to me.

2. Had a death in the family. My wife’s grandmother passed away. She was 96. She was the first one in Sherri’s family who really like me. Smart lady. Sherri is in Missouri for the funeral. I’m home with the kids juggling work, kid’s school, little league, and going door to door handing out Watchtowers. (One of those is not true)

And lastly,

3. Getting the golf course ready for it’s club championship. The days aren’t any longer, but I will work the entire week without a day off.

I’ll have a little more time to post this weekend. I’m sure the internet world will be holding it’s breath!

I'm Wearing The Skirt That Goes With Them

My friend Kelly shut down her blog a couple of weeks ago. This has really bummed me out. She is a great writer and is almost as funny as me! She has a very loyal group of readers that will miss her very much.

Kelly was very open with her readers about what was going on in her life. She was probably too open, but I think that is part of why I read her blog so much. Too many people knew who she was and that affected her life personally and professionally.

I often wonder if I share too much. There are lots of things I wish I could write about, but don’t, just because there are people out there who know who I am and do check out my blog every once and a while. Maybe that’s a good way of keeping me from sharing too much. My rule about posts is basically this; don’t write anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to read.

Anyways, Kelly liked to post pictures of her shoes. So I dedicate this post to Mocha Mama! I would only wear these for her.

New Look...

...same crusty evil mutant. I will be doing all of my posting here. I'm putting my MSN blog on the shelf. I think I just have more fun tinkering with my blog here. I changed the template. I disabled the word verification, I thought that was annoying. I added a counter that shows how "global" my blog is. I also added the Windows Media Player with the trippy visuals. I don't think all browsers can see and hear it, so I might look for another one. Anyways, this is where I'll hang my bloody scarf, hope to see my MSN buddies as well as my Blogger buddies.

Bletiquette

OK, I was thinking about my last entry, and think I have more to say! This time about the one time I was on the receiving end of a comment that I wasn’t too sure about. This happened about a month ago. It came from one of the millions of bloggers that like to incorporate coffee into their screen name.

This is the comment, Okay, very cool name....bitchin' Tagline, too!! Now about the rest...please kick it up a few notches or pull the plug.

My skin is pretty thick, so the comment itself didn’t really bother me. I was just curious how he would like me to kick it up a notch, so I visited his site. His site had no entries, just the usual intro to a new site, but he did have a few comments. Mostly from people he had pissed off. I wasn’t going to go down that route. I will just wait a few days and see what is so special about his site.

I just got around to that tonight. This coffee drinking pie hole has gone private. WTF is that? Dude goes around dogging everyone’s site, but doesn’t have the gonads to be open to the same criticism? Not very good bletiquette…blog etiquette.

Which brings me to some new questions.

Is it really a cool screen name? Or does the picture and name take a while to get used to?

Mocha Momma asked me to take off the costume once. I do have a few pictures of me floating around on my sites, so its not like I’m hiding behind the mask, but maybe the mask should disappear.

I know some bloggers make it a point not to post pictures of themselves. That’s cool, I understand, but I like to put a face on the friends I have made on-line.

Was It Something I Said?

I have been blogging for almost a year. I intended my blog to be a spot for my baseball buddies to come and talk a little trash, make trade offers, and keep in touch. That was quickly nuked by MSN because none of my buddies use MSN. I had no idea none of my friends could comment. Doy!

So I went out and made some friends in the MSN world! MSN Premium was part of my DSL package and I was going to use it, damn it! I have almost gotten over that attitude. I am thinking about just posting on my Blogger page, at least everyone can comment there. I found the best way to make friends was to comment on the pages that I would visit. I really enjoy leaving comments! I like it just as much as I do posting entries.

I never bag on another person’s blog, but I can be kind of a smart ass or just gross. About a week ago I left a comment on a ladies blog that may have been shocking for someone who doesn’t know me, but I couldn’t stop my fingers from typing. This woman was talking about birthday ideas for her husband and that a Maglite flashlight was a good gift one year. She described it like this, “It's black, heavy, masculine, totally impractical, in short it's perfect." What I really wanted to say was that it sounded like a birthday gift to her, but I toned it down to just, “I won’t comment on "It's black, heavy, masculine, totally impractical, in short it's perfect." I’ll just leave that to people who know you better. I even included a smiley. :) No Response. I almost always get a reply. Did I piss her off? I hope not. Doesn’t everyone know that Malathionman is the master of snappy comments?

So what is good blog etiquette? If someone leaves you a comment, is leaving a comment on his or her blog the proper thing to do? A lot of people just comment on comments in the comment section. Is that how it is done?

What about music? If someone has a music player, do you play it? Is it annoying when the music plays automatically? I really like music, am I rude to make you listen to what I like?

And what about those snappy comments? Is there a comment “courting time” before you can make an indirect "adult toy" reference?