Thursday, May 31, 2007

Jacob's Ladder

One of the creepiest movies I have ever seen is one called Jacob’s Ladder. It had Tim Robbins and Macaulay Caulkin (back when he was cute). It was about 100 minutes that seemed like 200 minutes of Tim Robbins going through all sorts of hell. The main thing I remember about the movie was that I was happy that this poor bastard died in the end. If you ever check this movie out, I’m not ruining anything for you by saying that. You would feel the same way too.

One of the creepiest (or funniest) things I remember happening on the Internet involves Jacob’s Ladder, but a different kind.

I am in a fantasy baseball league that has been together for more that 15 years. We have a core of about 7 general managers, with about 7 guys who have come and gone through the years.

A few years ago, a couple of other guys (Fred, Scott, and Dave) and myself were chatting on-line about baseball. We were kicking around possible trades, when Fred says, “I will give you player A and dirty pictures of my wife for player B.”

“That’s OK I already have dirty pictures of your wife.” I replied.
“Really?” Fred said. “Where did you get them?”
“I’m was kidding dickhead.”
“Oh, …well my offer stands.”
“Player A for player B.”
“And dirty pictures of my wife.”


Dave and Scott now are on the side. (window B)

“OMG is he serious?”
“Have you seen his wife?”
“He’s nasty, she’s gotta be nasty too.”

In chimes Fred on the other window (window A), “Fuck it, you guys wanna see some dirty pictures of my wife?” “ She has some really nice tattoos and piercings.”
“Really? What’s pierced?”
“Nipples, clit”

Window B

Window A
“ I have some piercings too.”
“ Oh yeah, what did you do get your dick pierced?”
“Yes, I did.”

Window B
“Ouch! Holy shit!”

Window A
“ My penis has 4 studs that are connected by small chains, it looks like a ladder. They call it Jacob’s Ladder.”

Window B
“Maybe he has a picture of that!”

Window A
“ How coincidental! I have the same thing, except 10 studs!”
“I’ll send you a picture if you don’t believe me.”


Window A
“I think I’ll pass on that trade.”

We met Fred’s wife about a year later. She was very nice, and not the pig we thought she might be. Fred is no longer in the league.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

No, My Snatch Doesn't Itch

As the temperatures rise in the desert, I am reminded of my first summer here. I had been living in the bay area (Livermore), so the extreme heat was a bit of a shock. Everyone tells you to drink lots of water and stay out of the sun. No shit! Does anyone tell you to keep you balls dry? Hell no!

In my first summer in the desert I worked outside in the nursery at Home Depot. It was hot, but I was doing o.k. That is until I got this incredible heat rash between my legs! OMG, my thighs were on fire! I was walking around the store like I had spent the night with a Wicked Wanda 3000.

My buddy noticed I was having a hard time and asked what the problem was. I felt comfortable enough to talk to him about it because he had shared with me how had a bleeding hemorrhoid that was bothering him the other day. I was walking a lot like he was that day; it was a fine male bonding moment.

He told me he knew exactly what I was going through and that he had the perfect remedy, Vagisil. He said a nurse had recommended it to him and that it worked great.

“No fucking way am I going to put that shit between my legs!” I replied.

“That’s what I said.” He barked back. “ But I swear it really works. I got a tube in my locker, you want to try it?”

“You are full of shit.” I said.

Sure enough, we go to his locker and he pulls out a tube of Vagasil.


“No thanks, I’ll pass.”

On my way home I stopped by the drug store. I was desperate. I was willing to try anything, and I did. Guess what, it worked. I wasn’t willing to share that with my buddy at work, but I told my wife. What the fuck was I thinking! I still hear about that every summer. Since then I have learned the value Gold Bond Powder.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

We Have a Plunger Just In Case

I have had to address many awkward situations in my years of management. I had to talk to an individual about his body odor. I have had to counsel a guy about farting in the break room during lunch. I even had to confront a guy about having his penis pump mailed to his place of work. These were easy to address because it is an individual that I had to deal with, behind closed doors.(Except penis pump guy. I just gave him his mail infront of everyone.) I now have a situation at work that has to deal with an entire group of people.

I basically have two groups of Mexicans that work for me. One group is the old school immigrants. The other group is ones that are native to California.

I had noticed this problem before but didn’t know what to say. Today one of the natives came to me with a gripe about the old school guys. Now I have to address it with the entire crew so the old school guys don’t feel singled out. This is how the native asked me to fix the problem, “Tomas, will you tell the wetbacks to flush their fucking toilet paper instead of putting it in the trash can?”

I told my boss what was up and he made me call human resources with the problem. They were not fazed a bit. In fact it is something they have had to deal with before. I didn’t know this, but I guess the plumbing in the crappy parts of Mexico is really bad. The plumbing is so bad toilet paper won’t flush, so in the trash can it goes. It is just what the old school guys are used to. They also never flush unless they take a crap.

So today I had a meeting about bathroom etiquette, kind of like the one I have had to have with each of my kids.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

I'm Not A Crazy Sports Dad...

… But I did get kicked out of Austin’s last baseball game.

It’s not like I was arguing balls and strikes or any of his calls, but I just didn’t like the ump. This guy looked like he may have played some ball, but got sidetracked with his drug dealing business, which failed, that’s why he is umpiring the game. Whatever it was he didn’t look like the kind of guy I would want my kids hanging around.

OK, so this is how it went down. Before the game as we were warming up, the umpire starts chatting with our pitcher. Friendly conversation is fine, but then he then proceeds to start coaching the kid. Me and the manger figure its just pregame socializing and that will be the end of it. Nope, that shit continues well into the game. He begins to start sharing his so-called knowledge with any kid that will listen, DURING THE GAME. This was very annoying, and slowed the game way down, but nobody wanted to say anything.

Also there was the problem of the way he made calls. No one could hear or understand what they were. Finally I had to say something.

I was coaching third base and I didn’t hear what his call was.

“Hey blue what was that call?” I yelled from third.

No response.

“ Hey blue was that a ball or a strike?” I yelled a little louder.

“Hey the only person I need to answer that question for is the score keeper.” He finally replied.

“ Uh, no everyone on the field needs to know what your calling, its part of your job description as umpire. Oh yeah, while we are on that subject, its not your job to coach my players, so stop talking to my players.”

“You need to keep quiet coach.”

“You need to get to work.”

“I will when you shut up!”

“Fine. What’s the call?”


The game resumes. We are down 2 runs but begin to rally. We get a couple of guys on base and the opposing manager calls time out so he can talk to his pitcher. As he talks to his pitcher, the umpire begins to tell my batter what he thinks he knows about hitting.

“Hey I told you stop coaching my players!” I yelled.

“I don’t have to listen to you!” he chirped back.

“Listen to this. You are the umpire, you are Sweden, and you are supposed to be neutral. Stop coaching my players!”

He just looks at me.

“What’s the matter, you don’t know what Sweden is?”

“That’s it you’re out of here!”

“Wow, that’s the loudest call you’ve made all night!” I said, getting the last word in.

I walk off the field without any name-calling or dirt kicking. I just thought it was funny to get kicked out of a game without questioning a single call. I just wanted to hear the calls and for the ump to leave my players alone.

Well I guess this pumped up my team. The next six batters all reached safely. They went on to score 8 unanswered runs and won the game. The highlight of the rally was Austin crossing home and yelling, “That was for you Dad!” I know that sounds corny, but coming from my kid it sounded pretty OK.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

He's Grrrrreat!

There is this guy at work. We will call him Tony. My buddy Nelson and I have a lot of fun at his expense.

Tony is single and likes to brag about his sexual escapades. He thinks the married guys don’t get any. He is so wrong to assume that. It’s when you have kids that you don’t get any.

Nelson and I both thought Tony was gay the first time each of us met him. Hearing the stories about all the different women he takes to bed seems a little hard to believe, especially when its coming from a guy that reminds me of that dude on Grey’s Anatomy.

Well I guess Tony is trying to be more like old married guys. He is now looking for the perfect mate. Tony is going to do that by signing up on Sharing that information with the guys was probably not the smartest thing to do. Showing us his site was even dumber.

It was fascinating checking out all the singles in the area that met Tony’s criteria. I believe it was something really tough, like between the age of 24 and 31 and good looking. I’m not sure he is getting his $3000 worth if that’s all he is going to require of his possible “perfect match”. Also, you got to wonder about someone who is going to be interested in a guy who wants to be called “tiger”. Nelson and I saw that nickname on his profile and could hardly contain the laughter.

If you decided that you needed help to find the perfect match, would you tell your friends that you spent $3000 on a service like Hell, you could get a lot of fun dates for $3000.