Canabalism and Monkey Humping

It is now Austin’s time to shine… kind of.

We spent our vacation in two places, Silver Lake and Truckee. We have friends that rent a cabin near Donner Lake, which is really close to the town of Truckee. Our friends, Jerry and Wendy, are like grandparents to the kids, although I think they prefer aunt and uncle.

Jerry and Wendy thought it would be nice if they took the kids to The Donner Party Memorial, so Sherri and I could relax a little. The Donner Party may be something only us Californians are familiar with, so this might not seem funny to a nonresident, or it may not seem funny at all. I’m kind of twisted so I think it is funny. Here is the conversation I had with Austin upon his return from The Donner Party Memorial.

Hey dad!
Hey dude, how was the exhibit?
It was ok, that Donner Party was a really terrible thing.
What was so terrible?
Just that all those people died.
That’s all that you took away from that exhibit?
No, Wendy let us get some stuff from the shop. I got some postcards, a t-shirt, and I was hungry so I got some jerky.
You went to The Donner Party Memorial and got some jerky?
Yes.
So, you got some “Donner Party” jerky?
Uh huh.
I hear Donner tastes kind of salty.
No I think it tastes like teriyaki.


My mother-in-law Mary also came with us on our trip. She stayed at Silver Lake in the RV while we drove up north to visit Jerry and Wendy. She also brought her dog, Bogie. Bogie is a two-year-old Shitzu. Austin and Alissa LOVE to play with Bogie and his monkey toy. Bogie likes to do more than play with his monkey toy. I have never seen this before, but I swear the dog was humping the damn thing. I asked Mary, “What the hell?” she replied, “ He has lots of toys, and that’s the only one he does that to.” I respond, “Remind me never to pick up that monkey again.”

Later that day Austin is playing with the dog, and yes, he was playing with the monkey. Usually that means tossing the monkey down the hall for the dog to chase. Fine, I’m not too grossed out by that. When Austin put the monkey in his mouth and started having a tug-o-war I had to make it stop,
Dude that is grosser than you want to know, give the dog his monkey.
OK, it’s funny when I give it back. You should see what he does.
I’m afraid to ask.
He humps it.
OK, so you know what he does to it?
Yes.
And you still put the monkey in your mouth?
Oh…
Go brush your teeth.

Barbie's Deadliest Catch

Armed with her new Barbie fishing rod and reel, Alissa climbed into the rented fishing boat to attempt catching her first fish. She had been fishing before, but had not been very lucky. This time was going to be different; she had Barbie on her side. While I was at Wal-Mart buying a fishing license my daughter came to me with the special rod and reel. She was sure it would work and that I was the best daddy in the world if bought it for her. I wasn’t so sure about the first part of that statement, but I was sure the second part would ring true for at least a couple of hours if I did.

Her first cast was almost Barbie’s last. I explained to her that you held down the button on the reel and let go of the button as you cast the rod forward. Probably trying to get a little extra on her first cast of the day; Alissa rears back and fires the rod forward, letting go of everything and sends Barbie flying into the lake. Half expecting this disaster, I was ready to retrieve her rod if it went swimming. Daddy saves the day.

Her second cast was almost her last. After another quick lesson on how to cast, Alissa quickly gives it another try, before I can get out of the way. She set her worm filled hook into my arm, not my sleeve, my arm.

Two bathroom trips to the shore and about 3 hours later, I catch the first fish of the day. It was about a 2 lbs rainbow trout. I was lucky and had hooked it in the lip, so I let it go. This was a total bummer to Alissa; she didn’t understand why I let it go. She was also getting very tired of not catching anything. She was getting ready to call it a day.

We agreed to fish for 30 more minutes, then we would call it a day. 25 minutes later I am watching her bubble start to move side to side. I point it out to her. I tell her to watch the bubble closely and be ready if it to goes down. 15 seconds later, boom, the bubble dives under the choppy water. She was ready, and she did a great job, she landed the fish all on her own. All that Alissa needed me for was to take out the hook.

I had done a good job removing the hook, so I asked Alissa if she wanted to release her catch. I think you can guess the answer.

She Has No Locks Of Gold

Somebody has been sitting in my chair! I got home from vacation and found a weird “ass print” in it. I was sure that I had shut off the computer, but I found it on, logged in on Wear Gloves and Protective Eyewear. There was an empty Starbucks cup, these and an open bottle of this on my desk. I’m not sure what was going on while I was gone. I am sure I’m getting the chair cleaned.

Actually, I know what was going on. My friend Kelly was nice enough to find time for my little blog and me while I vacationed in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. I was flattered when she accepted my invitation to be my guest blogger. She is a very busy woman and one post would have been great in my eyes, but she cranked out three. Thanks Kelly.

Not that Kelly needs my help plugging her site, but I encourage any of my readers that haven’t checked out her non-porn site to go to the links in her second post here at WGAPE. I did, and I listened to the entire hour of the radio interview. Kelly, it was nice to put a voice on that ugly mug of yours, and if you were wondering, I always sound like the Malathionman in that Bleak Future trailer.

I had never listened to a blog radio show before; it was pretty cool. The topic of the interview was The Inclusion and Exclusion: Where Are the Bloggers of Color and Why Aren’t We Reading Them. At the BlogHer conference in Chicago last month, some marketing “pros” wanted to know how to tap into the mommy blogger market, Kelly asked these marketing pros, “When will the diversity come into play?” She could not get a response. Now they are the topic of conversation on many of the diversified blogs out there, probably not the reaction they were looking for.

Damn it Kelly for making me have to think! First the big words, now this! I feel like an insensitive evil mutant with a bad case of hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

P.S.
Hey Kelly, a marketing agency for a sex toy company sent me some free butt plugs.

Busy, Busy Bee That's Me

While I've been working on my own blog (WHICH IS FINALLY FIXED, THANK YOU TO GOD IN HEAVEN IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Sorry for the "damn", God. Forgive me?) I've also been:

eating way too many fried foods
taking mediocre pictures
getting hooked on new websites
working on freshman schedules
trying to get ready for a Podcast with Kristen Chase
trying to write for BlogRhet
continuing to stir up my own corner of the blog world with issues of race and blogging
putting together a panel of women (and men!) to discuss the issues of race and blogging at next year's BlogHer conference
getting continous wedgies from sitting at my desk
working on "chair ass" at said desk
getting to know my new computer (it's black! whether it's a "he" or "she" is still up in the air)
wondering where the hell the blogging community has disappeared
clipping my toenails and leaving them here for Malation Man to clean up later
drinking my new favorite beer, Red Stripe
cutting up pears and fancy goat cheese to go with Red Stripe

What have you been doing or are all the bloggers on vacation with Malation Man? Are y'all fishing? Covering yards and houses in toilet paper?

3 Questions a la Dwight K. Schrute

Question: What the heck is good to watch on television during the summer?

Nothing, I tell you. NOTHING.

This fall I'm planning on catching up on some good television that I've missed for the last two years since I've been taking classes. One of them is The Office. It's one of my favorite shows I've caught up on because I've blindly bought the DVDs and then I started reading Dwight's blog. Speaking of awkward segues that make reference to aforementioned television shows...

Question: If I told you that I have some upcoming projects and you'd have to go read them in other places, would you?

No? Ok. I'll try another one after this cute anecdote.

My neighbor's son came over to play for awhile yesterday while I had a houseful of relatives for my Grandma's birthday (Give a shout out to Maggie for her 90th, would you? She's all over this blog stuff and reads me religiously. No. She doesn't. But it would be nice anyway and you could leave more $10 words for the owner of this blog.) and he said this to me: "I'm for serious." That's my new favorite phrase and I'm going to inject it into the vernacular in an attempt to get other adults to talk like three-year olds.

Question: Did you know that I have a podcast coming up and you can hear my midwestern vocalization in real time? I do! It's a broadcast on race and blogging involving Glennia and Jason on Kristen Chases's blog radio show. Click here to bookmark the page and come back Wednesday night from 9-10. Oh, come on. The new fall line-up hasn't started yet and you know there isn't anything good on television just yet.

Plus, you can call in and get on the radio. Dwight would find that hysterical.

Just for fun and to combine my granny's birthday with how I spent my evening after a long day of partying (read: watched Season 2 of The Office) I've linked a clip for you that's one of my favorites.

Listen to my radio broadcast or no cookie. For serious.

Pink Bunnies & Sex Toys

MalathionMan foolishly gave me his password to blogsit for him and now I'm thinking this place is too dark. Perhaps something pink and in the way of cute bunnies would make for a lovely background? Maybe a rainbow of tampons? OH! How about an array of glow-in-the-dark blow up sex toys? I shall think on it.

For the time being, my own blog is "broken" and that has hindered me from telling all these great stories because I can't even get into it easily myself. There's the one about the guy who stalked me at the park and gave me the creeps (unless that was you, MalationMan, in which case dude, what an asshat you are) or the fact that I ate nearly an entire gallon of ice cream in one sitting or maybe the time last week when I spent the evening quoting So I Married An Axe Murderer. They're all quite interesting stories. At least, I can make them interesting. Sometimes I do better to tell stories in person but I can't quite do that yet. My Superpowers don't yet allow me to teleport into your homes (and prisons - I know that's where a lot of MalathionMan's readers are) whenever I choose.

In any case, here I am on a Saturday helping to keep this place nice and tidy while the proprietor ($10 Word #1) of this hellhole takes a vacation and surely he's checked back here and is screaming, "Why hasn't she posted yet? She's so damn slow and lazy! God! I hate her!" because it's Saturday and I was supposed to start yesterday.

I'm here now. You can rest easy.

To begin my week of hijacking this mofo I thought I'd introduce myself to his readers. Hi, I'm Mocha Momma. I've got this blog over here and sometimes I write about education and other times I write about my three kids or sometimes I post pictures (but I took them down not too long ago and am now starting to put some back up) and other times I discuss inappropriate things that my father would croak if he heard me discussing but that my mother seems to enjoy. Recently, I've stirred the proverbial ($10 Word #2) pot and discussed the taboo topic of race, but I sure enjoy saying what's on my mind.

He said I could write anything and now that I am afforded that sumptuousness ($10 Word #3) I have to admit that I'm stumped. It'll come to me, I'm sure. The point is Mr. Vacation has left me in charge and we're going to raid the fridge, use permanent markers in the living room where there is fresh paint, and have a party.

Leave some $10 Words in the comments so he has to look them up when he returns. In the meantime, sit down for a cuppa or a very dirty martini (Belvedere vodka , thankyouverymuch) and I'll make us some snacks and find those markers so we can make a mess.

Get back to me on the pink & bunnies & sex toys.

Gone Fishing

It is time for a little rest and relaxation. The family and I are going to Lake Tahoe. We took the same trip last year, but this time we are stopping in Bishop for a couple of days on the way up. I grew up doing a lot of fishing in the Bishop area, so I’m looking forward to that.

On this same trip last year I took a great picture of my son fishing. I like it so much I’m going to share it again on this blog. It may seem like a normal picture of a kid fishing on a pier, but you have to look a little closer, there is a ray of sunshine coming from his butt crack!

Anyways, while I’m gone, there will be a guest in the house. My guest is a much better writer than me. They sometimes use big words that I have to look up when I read their blog, but that’s ok; it is always a great read. I am not going to say who the blogger is. How they identify themselves is up to him or her. Enjoy the change of pace and I will see you in a couple of weeks.

Malathionman

Alpha Dog

I watched the movie Alpha Dog yesterday. The story is based on what some stupid spoiled teenagers did in the late 90’s. It wasn’t a BAD movie. I just found some of the content a little disturbing.

I just don’t understand why kids get in to the kind of trouble that they get into these days. My parents neglected me just as much as any other kid and I didn’t feel the need to deal drugs or shoot anybody.

The kind of trouble I got into was harmless.

1. Once my friends and I got busted for trespassing at the local rock quarry. We were climbing the giant sand piles and diving off the top. The cops were cool; they just took us home and laughed with our parents about it.

2. We did a lot of T.P.ing. Never less than a 12 pack of TP. It was an honor to have your house T.P.ed by my gang of troublemakers.

3. Probably the nastiest thing my friends and I did was cover my buddies piece of shit Pinto with tampons dipped in ketchup.

Nobody got hurt, nothing got broken.

I was a teenager in the late 70’s and early 80’s in the very same area this movie takes place. I was born in Pomona, CA. My dad was a policeman in Pomona. I played high school soccer and tennis against Claremont High. I delivered pizzas to the Claremont Colleges. I now live in the Palm Springs area. All three of these places are featured in this movie. It was weird to see these places that I look at fondly represented in this type of a movie, a movie that is all about drug dealers, potheads, tweekers, racists, kidnapping and murder.

Probably more disturbing than the kids in this film were the parents. Every parent in this movie played a key role in how his or her kids ended up. I always have to remind myself that it is my job to pay attention to my kids and do my best to make sure they stay out of harms way. That means I can’t always be my kid’s friend.

Shrinkage Happens

It was bound to happen. You hear about it all the time, but you don’t think it could happen to you. It happened to me last night. I’m not sure how long it is going to take me to get over it. I only hope that there won’t be any permanent damage to any of the people involved.

Malathionman was a little frisky last night. He was not going to be denied his manly needs, and he wasn’t, but there was a price.

I go to bed about 9pm. 9pm is not too late. Can you guess what happened yet?

Things were just starting to get heated up and we hear, “Can I sleep in here tonight?”
“Ahh, no.”
Sherri gets up and puts the little darling back to bed.

Thinking, “Oh well, so much for that.” I roll over to go to sleep. Sherri comes back a few minutes later. I was WRONG! That’s right, Malathionman has got it going on, and just as Malathionman was about to be going off, “ I’m still scared.”

I’m not sure she was talking about a bad dream. She could have been talking about what she was seeing.





P.S.
My wife says she reads my blog, but I don’t believe her. I should know if she is telling the truth after this post.

P.P.S.
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