Monday, September 24, 2007

Because They Asked

A few weeks ago I asked what kinds of things did you guys like to read here at Wear Gloves And Protective Eyewear. Kristi and Elizabeth both made strange requests in the comments. I’m surprised Kristi didn’t ask me to write about afterbirth. Hasn’t Mallory popped out yet? Anyways, I’m going to do a “Wayne Brady” and try to work their requests into this post. Some of this post is true, some of it well…

I don’t know how this always happens, but I had to take Alissa to her friend’s birthday party while Sherri was at work. The party was at a place called Pump It Up. Pump It Up is a place that specializes in bouncy fun!

Your child and their guests get to enjoy a private room filled with all the best bouncy toys you can think of. They had a giant slide, an obstacle course, and the biggest moon bounce I have ever seen. These rides were so big that they even allowed the parents to jump in them. Game on, I’m all over that.

So I kick off my flip-flops and started attacking the obstacle course like Nitro from American Gladiators. I always have an American Gladiator outfit in the car just for times like this! Kids are flying, moms are screaming, other dads are cheering as I annihilate this wimpy course. Then all of a sudden I hear a loud whistle. It is the teenage boy that monitors the kids, “Dude, you can’t be in there.” “And why the hell not?” I responded, “You guys said parents could play too!” “It’s your nasty ass toenails, they are too long, they might pop the rides, and I don’t even want to talk about that toe fungus. I think you can get a prescription for that.” the pimple faced punk replied. “You really should go to the private room for dads.” “Really? Where is that?” “Follow me Nitro.” Me and all the other dads follow “Spicoli” back to a black door marked private.

The private room was actually an arena filled with cheering and screaming dads. They were cheering for the two Victoria’s Secret models wrestling in a pit of lime jello. I think one of them was Tyra Banks. She had 30 lbs on the other one and easily won.

The ring announcer then steps into the ring, “Can we have a volunteer that thinks he can handle these two ladies!” Everyone stops and turns to look at the guy wearing the red, white and blue leotard. Then the chanting begins, “Nitro, Nitro, Nitro…..” Some dreams do come true.

I’m going to describe the match as efficiently as I can. Bill Murray, John Candy, Stripes. Do I need to say more?

When all the fun was over, me and the other dads joined the birthday party, again. We were just in time for cake and ice cream. There was a different private room for present opening and cake eating. The Pump It Up crew took care of serving the cake and singing to the kids. I was impressed. I went to this girl’s party last year at Chuck E Cheese. This year’s party was much better.


Guinevere said...

Ok. I seriously don't know whether to laugh or call a therapist.

hehe Glad you had a good time! :o)

Herself said...

Was there another room for sensual massages? ;) Nothing surprises me anymore.

qofd said...

Your wife doesn't know about this blog does she? If so, I'll be watching the news for a story titled "Murder in the Desert".

ventl8r said...

Well done, Tom! Though it was subtle, I think I found the embellishments in your story.

And no, still here.....and no requests for you to write about afterbirth. Even I have my limits. But I'd be more than happy to discuss the color and consistency of sputum!

Patty O said...

You should write a post on why the Angels should win the World Series. That's be interesting to read.

So yeah with Japan, when I was in college, I worked as a writing tutor with international students, and most of the people who came in were Japanese. I got to learn a lot about the culture. About a month ago I learned about a Teach English in Japan program that looked pretty good, so I've been thinking a lot about going over there in a few years.